My Journey to Fatherhood
by Joseph Belisle
I’m a happily married gay man with an adopted daughter who is now about to turn 13. When my husband and I began the adoption process over 15 years ago, we encountered bigotry and homophobia that frankly surprised us. We quickly learned that adoption was a straight person’s world and we were interlopers who had to prove our honor and worthiness at every turn. It often felt like we had to scratch and claw our way through the process but we did it. We were ultimately blessed with a healthy, gorgeous daughter who quickly became the light of our lives.
Father’s Day has special meaning for my husband and me, in part, because of the long uphill climb it took for us to actually earn the title of FATHERS. When we first took physical custody of our daughter, the birth mother had fourteen days to change her mind. So here we were, in a hotel room in a strange city bonding with a newborn knowing that the birthmother could change her mind at any moment. It was, to say the least, very nerve-wracking.
Thank goodness everything worked out and a few weeks later, we boarded a plane to bring our little girl home. It was truly one of the greatest days ever. When that plane took off I breathed such a huge sigh of relief. But that day was also tinged with sadness because someone else was giving up custody of their child. My good fortune had a very sad side to it as well. While adoption can be an extremely difficult choice for a birth mother, sometimes the circumstances of life force that situation. The gigantic weight of that realization hit me hard in that moment and it has never really left me.
On that plane ride home, my husband and I pledged to each other to be the very best fathers we could be. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my father made with me. This was a fresh start. I would never take her for granted the way my father took me for granted. I vowed that I would apologize to her when and if we ever argued and I would actually listen to her in a way that I was never listened to. Don’t get me wrong – I loved my father and he loved me – but for many men in his generation being a good father meant being there financially, not necessarily emotionally. My mother did most of the parenting while he was out working to put food in our mouths. But now, on this joyous day of our new-found fatherhood, my husband and I swore an allegiance to a new kind of modern, enlightened parenting. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but we committed to giving it everything we had.
Early on in our relationship, my husband and I agreed that we both wanted to be parents. It was a goal we talked about very early on when we were still dating and it helped cement our relationship. By the time we said to one another – “OK, we're really ready to adopt so let's get this ball rolling,” I was almost 43. By the time we had a baby in our arms, I was 46. I wish we had started earlier because by this point my parents had passed away and they never saw me become a father. I regret that but I do feel, in a way, that they’re here with me helping me parent. They are, after all, my parenting role-models and it is from them I learned how to do this most important of jobs. I like to think that I found some ways to improve on their job performance but yes, they did teach me. For that, I am eternally thankful to them.
Now that my husband, daughter and I are a fully and legally legitimate family, I’ve discovered that Father’s Day is MUCH easier to get through than Mother’s Day. On Father’s Day, we can all go out and be celebrated and not be questioned by anyone. Mother’s Day always brings the “did you leave mom at home?” quips or the “are you all out because you’re giving mom a break today?” remark from the overly chatty but well-meaning waitress. For us, Father’s Day is mostly a celebration that we got through the prior month’s Mother’s Day mostly unscathed.
In a family with two dads, Mother’s Day can be a loaded mine field. Various teachers over the years have handled this holiday more graciously than others. One year the class assignment was for every child to collect little pebbles and glue them onto a plastic plate which spelled out “Mom Rocks.” Cute assignment -- but not when you’re a kid who has two dads at home. This teacher had our daughter spell out “My Dads Rock.” I always appreciated her sensitivity in that moment and helping our daughter navigate through that year’s Mother Day with grace and dignity.
In elementary school, our daughter had to field a lot of questions from her curious young classmates. “Where is your mom?” “Do you ever see her?” “Who are the guys that come pick you up all the time?” Those were just some of the questions she got hit with over the years. After a while – all these questions became kind of boring and mundane for her. In a rote, robotic-like voice she’d say “my mother lives in Louisiana, we sometimes send her a Christmas card, and yes, those two guys are my real parents.” We started calling it her playground speech. The truth of our family and our experiences had to be explained because they were not the norm.
We’ve never lied to our daughter about who she is or where she came from. Her birth-mother wasn’t ready to be a mother and we’ve always been honest with her about that. She asks questions and we answer them truthfully. I truly believe God, the Universe, fate – whatever you want to call it – worked at bringing us together as a family. The three of us were truly meant to be together and we love one another. That is what gets us through each day. The occasional indelicate comments from strangers or acquaintances never really bother us. We acknowledge them, discuss it for a time, but ultimately we let those comments go and we move on.
Parenting isn’t always easy. Families all have their own journeys and stories to tell. As for me and my story, I don’t ever regret adopting and becoming a parent -- not even on my worst parenting day. I think my husband would whole-heartedly agree with that sentiment. Seeing our daughter’s face first thing every day is something we look forward to every morning! It is a constant reminder that we did the right thing by bringing this beautiful soul into our lives. We are so blessed and thankful to be able to call her our “daughter.” She brings us joy, balance, laughter and, at times, challenges but never once have we regretted starting this journey. I’m known by many different titles to various people: husband, brother, neighbor, writer, and friend, but the title I most cherish is being called “Dad.”
Joseph Belisle is the author and illustrator of the new children's book, What if Wilhelmina. The book is based on a true family story and it recently launched in early 2021 from Blair Publishing. Joe is also the Coordinator & Lead Adult Facilitator of the Kids In Crisis LGBTQ teen group, Lighthouse. He is coming up on his ninth year working with LGBTQ teens and he learns something new from them every time they meet. He, his husband David, 12-year-old daughter Faith, and Wilhelmina the cat, all live happily together in Old Greenwich.
