Families, Queerness, and Generational Changes
Orli Koloms
Dani (from the PLP team) and I worked together in a classroom for only one year; however, I feel a deep connection with them. Throughout that year I learned so much from Dani that I carry with me to this day. I was very honored to be asked to write something up for this blog. The work PLP is doing to help advocate, educate, and create such a supportive community is vital for all.
I am so happy to be able to contribute my experience here, although I would like to note that this is not exclusively my story to share. Humans do not exist in a vacuum. Our actions, words, and simple presence alters and affects those around us. This experience I am about to share is one of transformation.
My husband's father is a trans woman. She transitioned in the 90s, at a time when resources were scarce and people were unaccepting and uneducated. She was ostracized from her community, suffered greatly professionally, and faced enormous discrimination. She inevitably moved away in an attempt to have a fresh start for herself. Unfortunately, as I said before, humans don’t live in a vacuum and my husband, who was a young child at the time, was forced to answer many of the questions his parent had left in her trail. My husband learned to dodge questions gracefully but not without a hint of shame. As people talked, and rumors flew, my husband had to figure out his own place within his dad’s life (I say dad because that is how my husband still refers to her, with her blessing). He learned to adjust his pronouns while in public but behind closed doors “he” and “him” were often used without batting an eye. As he entered his professional career it was always something he chose to keep private, always worried that peoples’ prejudices may affect his advancing career.
As I married into my husband’s family and we started our own, I find myself pushing back on the secrecy, on the idea that it is not my husband’s story to tell. It is in fact his story too. He is a character in a story – one he should be proud to tell, even if there is ignorant scrutiny along the way. The language we use, the books we read, the demonstrating of celebration of all people, all help to shape the story we tell our children. I am proud to play an active role in the way I want it to be written for my children.
As my four-year-old turns into an independent child of his own (not much younger than my husband was when his parent transitioned) he observes the world around him and asks questions. He notices that his grandparent looks and sounds different than other women. He states that she is a boy and not a girl. While it was jarring at first to hear, we were also proud of him for trying to figure out pieces in his world. He has heard my husband use the pronouns “he” and “him” and say “my dad” as it so easily rolls off his tongue. My son questioned things. This the beginning of our conversations regarding what it means to be transgender. We talked about people feeling different than how they look on the outside. As we attempted to explain it all to him, we quickly realized we needed some age-appropriate recourses. We did not want to mess this up. We want to teach our children to be unwavering allies.
We introduced him to the book I Am Jazz, which uses child-friendly language about a Jazz’s own journey as she transitioned. We now use the word transgender in the house as a way to help label this complex and yet simple idea. We have read other books like My Shadow is Pink, Perfect Square, and Red. We honor everyone by using their correct pronouns, and recognize them simply as people. As a golden rule in our house, we treat everyone with respect.
As I watch my husband read books to my children and have open and honest conversations about LGBTQ+ identities, I bear witness to the relearning he himself is doing. He says it with confidence as he begins to gain a new understanding of his role as father, role model, teacher, and confidant. I am so proud that he is able to engage in ongoing learning and change, modeling inclusive language. He is teaching understanding for our children as they become the leaders in the generations to come. To make the world a safe and inclusive place, and it starts with us. For them.
