Interview with Ashley Rhodes-Courter, Author of “Sam Is My Sister”
In addition to being a children’s author, you are also a social worker, public speaker, and advocate, as well as an author of two memoirs. How did these various parts of your identity intersect and complement one another in the creation of Sam Is My Sister?
As a child, I spent nearly ten years in the foster care system and had 14 different placements. Writing, reading, and journaling became strong coping mechanisms during these painful periods. Many of my passions and advocacy developed because of necessity. Even from a young age, I was compelled to speak up for myself as well as the other kids being abused in the same foster homes. Ultimately, my adverse childhood experiences inspired me to become a social worker. Even though I changed schools twice a year nearly every year until the 7th grade; school was my sanctuary. Going to college became a big dream, and as a teen I started entering scholarship essay contests.
The prestigious New York Times Magazine essay competition asked participants to describe a day that was life-changing. My first-prize winning essay, “Three Little Words,” expressed the conflicted feelings I had the day I was legally adopted. The article attracted the attention of editors, and a few years later my memoir of the same name was published by the YA division of Simon & Schuster. I went on to earn a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the University of Southern California, and along the way became a foster, adoptive, and biological parent. “Sam” was one of our foster kiddos whom we later adopted.
As parents, we lead with love and advocate for our children daily. When “Sam,” kept insisting she was a girl, we worked with experts to support her. One special children’s book, “I Am Jazz,” was life-affirming for Sam and gave her the words that affirmed her struggles. Sam made it clear that she wanted to transition socially before entering kindergarten. As I was searching for ways to help teachers and other caregivers explain what Sam was experiencing, my family decided it could be powerful to create this book that blends our experiences with practical tools and resources. This isn’t just a story about a trans child. This is a story about compassion, anti-bullying, diversity, and the power of unconditional love.
You’ve said that Sam Is My Sister is, loosely speaking, the story of your own children. What does it mean to you to see a version of your family’s story out there in the world?
Though names have been changed, this is a true story and everything I wrote about actually happened to us. It was a little tricky to squeeze vignettes that took place over a year into approximately 30 pages. Today our children are 7, 8, and 9 years old. As they mature, they each continue to amaze us with their love for Sam and compassion for her struggles. In some ways, this book is a precious time capsule of a period in our lives where our family wrapped our heads—and arms—around Sam and a dove head-first into a topic and issues completely new to us. Finn is still our sweet jokester who loves snacks and candy, Sam is as whimsical as ever, and Evan remains the leader of the pack with a strong sense of social justice. While there are now more books that speak to gender awareness, Sam Is My Sister is unique because it highlights the importance of the sibling and family bond. I hope this story opens windows for quality discussions, provides tools for families, providers, and educators, and helps to normalize diversity and a wide variety of identification and personal expression.
What parts of Sam Is My Sister resonate most deeply with you - and/or your husband and children?
I asked my family to help with this response!
Me: I can never get through a whole read without my eyes welling up. This is my first picture book and, in many ways, it was much more challenging to write than my memoirs! It was exciting to learn a totally new genre and publishing process. Being paired with MacKenzie Haley as an illustrator was a dream. Her art is so beautiful and sweet. I feel tremendous gratitude to have had the opportunity to share this part of our lives.
Dad: “I feel really proud when Evan stands up for Sam at school. Knowing they have each other’s backs when we aren’t around gives me so much relief and hope as a parent.”
Sam: “I’m glad other kids will see that it’s okay to be different.”
Evan: “I still don’t get what people are so worried about. If someone is happy, who cares?”
Finn: “I like all the food parts.”
What are some of the most interesting discussions you have had with children - your own or others - about gender diversity?
Sam comes from an affirming family, which means that we love and accept one another. Sadly, this is not always the case. We acknowledge the privilege our family holds: We live in an LGBTQ+ friendly city; we had access to professionals, literature, and resources; the kids attend compassionate, progressive schools; we’ve had extraordinary educators; and our extended families have been supportive and non-judgmental. Early into her transition, Sam experienced some bullying and hurtful words from peers, but mostly Sam has been raised in an accepting bubble.
A delicate balance for us has been how to explain that the larger world is not always such a gracious place, without inducing trauma or fear. The reality is that young children are capable of boundless kindness and understanding. Condemnation, hatred, and biases are taught and learned. Gender is a social construct that is deeply embedded in our culture from before a child is even born! In reality, colors, books, clothing, toys, roles imaginary play, and games are for everyone to enjoy. There is no right or wrong way to be YOU.
What advice do you have for parents, teachers, and other caregivers of children who may be questioning their gender?
My first piece of advice for a parent, teacher, or caregiver who may have a child questioning their gender is: DON’T PANIC! In our home, we made a point to stock our children’s library with all sorts of fiction and non-fiction books about diverse families, classic tales, kids breaking gender stereotypes or barriers, empowering stories, and a wide array of topics or adventures. Each of my children have found words and books that resonate with them individually.
As parents, we should never assume or jump to conclusions. Instead, we should provide our children with an endless menu of possibilities for their lives—but they will ultimately choose the entrée that feels best for them.
It’s exciting to get to share resources in the back of Sam Is My Sister. One of my favorites is HRC Foundation’s Welcoming Schools (www.WelcomingSchools.org) where educators, families, and youth serving professionals can find comprehensive professional development training, lesson plans, booklists, and resources for bias-based bullying prevention, tools for creating safe and affirming spaces, and other LGBTQ+ support tools. “Our program uses an intersectional, anti-racist lens dedicated to actionable policies and practices. We uplift school communities with critical tools to embrace family diversity, create LGBTQ+ and gender inclusive schools, prevent bias-based bullying, and support transgender and non-binary students.” -Welcoming Schools Website
COVID-19 has changed the way the world works, learns, and interacts. One plus is the increase in access to care and groups via various online platforms nationally. There are a plethora of support groups, private practices, doctors’ offices, and forums or platforms for youth that are accessible online. My agency, Sustainable Family Services (www.SustainableFamilyServices.com), has licensed therapists who work with families all over the State of Florida via TeleHealth. So, even families or youth who live in rural communities can still find supportive networks. My husband and I are proud members of the Parents for Transgender Equality Council with the Human Rights Campaign and we have had the honor of meeting families and advocates from all over the country doing essential and remarkable work. You are not alone. There are numerous organizations, support groups, clubs, chats, forums, and places to receive quality support online or in-person.
