Interview with Sarah and Ian Hoffman, Authors of “Jacob’s Room to Choose”

What would you say to parents who support their children’s gender expression (when it does not conform to societal expectations) only at home due to fears of bullying at school or in public?

Parents who support their child’s diverse gender expression are making the best possible investment in their child’s health and wellbeing. At the same time, it’s parents’ responsibility to decide what is safe for their child—and “what is safe" varies widely from community to community across this country. 

If parents think it’s not safe for their child to be express their true gender outside the home, there’s still plenty of ways to support their child. First, find support—for both parents and child. Join a support group of like-minded parents; bring your child to a group for gender-nonconforming or trans kids. Enlist thoughtful, supportive family and friends to buoy and celebrate your child and your efforts to make their world safe. Read books about parenting gender-creative children, and fill your child’s library with books that reflect gender diversity. Ask your school to be proactive about anti-bullying programs in general and gender education in particular (and if asking doesn’t work, demand it).

Gender diversity is a new concept for most people; ignorance and prejudice are deeply ingrained. Even people who love your children—like grandparents—often need time to adjust. It helps to teach kids the historical context for overcoming bias. When our son, Sam, was in kindergarten, we taught him about Rosa Parks and Harvey Milk—people who stood up to bias against them and changed the world. Tell your child that the world will change. That it is changing. And that they are helping to change it, just by being themselves.

What advice do you have for teachers who hope to make their classrooms safe and accepting for students who may not fall within the gender binary, or whose gender presentation may not match what others expect?

We've learned through our own experience that kids are pretty tolerant of difference if they're taught to be tolerant. Education has a profound effect in terms what kids will or won't accept in students around them. We saw it clearly in our son's school—when kids were taught basic lessons about letting everyone be who they are, they accepted Sam. These lessons were simple and age-appropriate for kindergarteners—“Colors are for everyone.” “Boys can have long hair; girls can have short hair.” “Like what you like, and let others like what they like!” When they were not taught, the other students rejected Sam. Education is powerful, and it works.

In unsupportive environments, kids like Sam are teased, ostracized, bullied, and brutalized. We want to try to prevent these behaviors before they start by building a culture that tolerates, values, and celebrates difference. Luckily, there are now good books and resources for teachers to bring to their students.

How did your experience raising your own gender-nonconforming child help to create and influence Jacob’s character?

Starting at age two, our son Sam was attracted to objects and activities that were generally considered "girl things." First pink sneakers, then pink t-shirts, then princess dress-up costumes and tiaras and fairy wings. Then one day, he wanted to wear a dress “for real”: to school. We tried to balance supporting Sam's intense desire to be himself with concerns about his safety and wellbeing. It was tricky, and confusing, and we had no other parents like ourselves to talk to. 

In time, we found gender education programs and support groups for parents and kids. We benefited greatly from meeting other families with gender-nonconforming kids. Talking with those families, we saw a lot of isolation and concern among parents whose children weren’t behaving as they expected, and who didn’t have access to resources for managing the experience. So Sarah started writing about gender non-conforming kids for other parents, so they could feel less alone and know how to support their kids.  

At the same, time Ian was writing children's picture books on other topics. So it seemed natural to bring our work together by collaborating on a picture book about a gender-creative boy. We saw Jacob's New Dress as a way to support families like ours, and boys like Sam. For a young child who is different from most of his peers, it’s very powerful to see yourself in print.

Although we know well the joys and sorrows of parenting a gender non-conforming boy, the story of Jacob and his family is fictional. Jacob himself is an amalgamation of character traits we've seen in the gender non-conforming boys we know. He's imaginative, sensitive, not afraid to be himself, and not immune to the disapproval of others. The people who live in Jacob's world—parents, teachers, friends, and foes—are also composites of our experiences and those of people we know.   

While Jacob’s gender presentation is feminine, he knows he is a boy. Can you tell us about your choice to represent the character in this way, rather than as a transgender or gender-nonconforming child?

That’s a good question. We set out to write a story about a boy who wants to wear a dress to school. There is a lot of leeway in our world for girls to express themselves all along the gender spectrum, from sparkly dresses to jeans and baseball caps. Our hope is for a world where boys are just as free to be who they are, and to express themselves however they’d like. So we hope, when kids read Jacob’s New Dress, that they will come to see a boy like Jacob as just another way of being a kid. And we hope that when kids like Jacob read Jacob’s New Dress, they will see that they are not alone. More broadly, we hope the book will help teach kids that it's okay to be different in any way. That message is aimed both at the kids who are different and the kids who aren't different. 

As for what to call Jacob? He’s a preschooler. We have no idea if he will grow up cis, trans, non-binary, gender-nonconforming, or his own special something. Jacob, like all of us, is a work in progress.

What do you enjoy most about visiting schools?

The thing we enjoy most about visiting schools is talking with the kids. We are constantly amazed at what compassionate, engaged, and incredibly sophisticated thinkers they are. They often have a question that never occurred to us, or an insight we wouldn’t have seen ourselves.

Jacob has a new dress and a new room - where is he going next?

Jacob and his friends are putting on a play! Jacob’s School Play (Starring He, She, and They) is coming out on Magination Press in the summer of 2021.